Untying the Knots

So much is about how we were loved

Do you recognize this - for yourself or your clients: 

• You get nervous when you can’t read your partner’s face, so your attention stays with them until you know all is good between the two of you. 

• Or you get tired of all this talk and ongoing demands that you should show more care. You. Love. Them. Well, you did, but this craving is too much. 

• You hate it when your partner is not available, and your mind starts spinning, rehearsing for the worst case. Which let’s you close up and shut down.

All examples have to do with our attachment history, how we were seen and loved when we were infants. Isn’t that amazing - and horrible? The first year is so crucial for the relationships we build during the rest of our lifes, and throughout childhood, the patterns get consolidated.  They stay with us, and if you work closely with people as coaches do, they can play out in the coach-client relationships as well.

Here is the mechanism

Little Betty was lucky. When she came home from school upset because her friend didn’t want to play, her mom listened with care. “Are you heartbroken?” she said, offering a hug. Betty felt safe to cry, and over time learned that she could trust others for support. But things were different for Anne. When she didn’t get invited to a party and complained about it, her dad laughed and said, “Life’s tough, get used to it.” Anne learned to bottle up her feelings, and pretend everything was OK when it wasn’t.
Johnny, too, struggled. After being teased at the park, he came home crying, but his mom looked worried at him and wanted reassurance from him that he was OK. Johnny pretended he was getting over it so that mom could relax. Internally, he was lonely and kept looking to mom to see how she was doing.

While Betty grew up feeling valued and supported, Anne and Johnny learned that the world wasn’t safe, and trusting others only brought pain.
As adults, we replicate our early patterns. Research shows that early attachment experiences significantly influence what we expect in our adult relationships. They play out in the workplace, in families and friendships, and in romantic relationships. If you’re a coach, you’ll recognize that they they frequently play in the issues clients bring to the coaching conversations.

Why should coaches know?

From the client’s perspective, working with an attachment-aware coach means you get to experience you are making sense to another human being beyond what is rational and obvious. The coach will support you to develop a kind, loving voice within in the vacuum left by a distant, confusing, or scary caregiver. The coach brings curiosity to patterns that seemed stuck and defining for you, and supports you to disentangle the past from your present relationships. 

Re-modeling the attachment brain
We’ve learned directly from neuroscience educator Sarah Peyton and her framework Resonant Language® as a simple and efficient way to liberate ourselves and our clients from limiting attachment patterns. We acknowledge our clients’ lived experiences and offer to be their anchor of secure attachment during the work. We model the voice of their emerging compassionate inner voice.

When a coach meets us with genuine acceptance, something important happens. We are welcomed exactly as we are, complexity, contradictions, and all. This kind of connection nourishes our capacity for secure attachment and helps us develop an inner sense of safety and belonging. It is a resource we can carry with us wherever we go.

The attachment-aware coach knows when it’s time to resonate and acknowledge, and when it’s time to pull ears, provoke, and encourage.

We can all develop a caring inner voice,

always ready to support us in our emotional ups and downs. This is how secure attachment shows.

This is the good news: We can earn the secure attachment that some children inherit from their caregivers. This is the state where we are stable even when we’re vulnerable. Where we notice when our boundaries are overstepped, and we naturally protect ourselves without drama. And where we, as coaches, rest in ourselves and don’t depend on the client’s feedback for us to feel ok, and neither do we turn instrumental toward the client when the emotional intensity is high.

The journey toward secure attachment goes through recognizing and acknowledging the nuances of our feelings. The simple act of welcoming and containing our emotional response grows our stability in ourselves, and we get to choose how we will act in relationships, rather than reacting on autopilot.
We recognize how our parents looked at us and disentangle it from how we see ourselves. 

As we are met with warmth and understanding, we begin to internalize that care. What was once an experience of emotional absence will gradually become a steady inner presence, supporting a stronger sense of self and a renewed experience of love.

22nd October 2026 - 6-week edition on Untying Your Knots

Attachment is the invisible architecture behind most coaching conversations. In Untying Your Knots: Attachment Awareness in Coaching, you'll discover how attachment patterns shape behavior, relationships, and change itself. The quality of your coaching can never exceed the quality of your relationship with yourself. You'll explore the attachment patterns that influence your life and work, begin to heal old relational wounds, and develop the awareness and skills needed to support profound transformation in your clients.