Do You Walk Through Life on Autopilot or with Awareness?
Beyond Blame. Connection through emotions
You come home after a day at work. Your partner doesn’t greet you; instead, they say: “You forgot to buy tickets for the concert. You said you would.”
How do you respond?
Self-blame?
Blaming your partner that they didn’t remind you; after all, it was their idea?
Do you lie and say you sat in a phone queue that threw you off?
Or tell them you’ll find some tickets on MarketPlace?
Reaction can happen so quickly that we hardly register the stirred emotions. Most of us turn to blame, self-blame, explanations, or solutions faster than a glimpse of an eye, and as a result, we lose the raw experience itself.
We don’t feel life but narrate it to ourselves (“and then she blamed for forgetting…”), attaching judgments or interpretations to our experiences.
If we could run the scenario in slow motion, we would notice an instant of shock - TICKETS!!! A jolt of disappointment. A contraction of the belly in shame. Panicky thoughts on how to get the tickets or avoid the risk of excruciating blame. A plea for understanding and mercy. Hopelessness about your rusty memory.
Emotions bring us aliveness. They may not be enjoyable, as in this example, but they message us about what is important in life: trust, safety, connection, respect, and more. Once we notice our emotions, we have a choice: Do I resort to blaming/ fixing, etc., or do I want to take a moment to feel myself and connect with my partner before we decide what to do?
Your brain plays tricks on you
Interpreting our experience is fundamentally different from experiencing it. Narratives arise from the analytical part of our brain, mainly the left hemisphere, while emotions come from the relational part, primarily the right hemisphere. Under stress, our brains naturally gravitate towards the analytical side because it uses less energy. However, it comes at a cost.
When we dismiss our emotions, life gets to feel dull and flat. Avoiding uncomfortable feelings like sadness, fear, and anger can limit our capacity for joy and love. Furthermore, when we interpret and judge everything that happens to us, we narrow our understanding and miss out on the rich complexity and nuance of our experiences and the people around us.
Additionally, this habit leads us to get caught up in blame—who's at fault and who has the right to blame? This mindset can create division and conflict, distancing us from understanding our fellow human beings and the fabric we are all parts of.
Judgments - the roots of violence
Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), believed that this tendency to label, categorize, and judge is a root cause of violence. When we see others—and ourselves—through a label, such as “ignorant”, “manipulative”, “careless”, or hysteric”, we miss that we are all dynamic, evolving individuals, each seeking love and acceptance in our way.
This does not mean that we need to accept harmful or thoughtless actions, in no way. Moving towards connection and seeing the others’ intention is about understanding them. It's about recognizing that every action, however misguided it might seem, is an attempt to meet universal human needs. While this never excuses harmful behavior, it suggests that turning away from our emotions and resorting to blame isn't the answer. Blame is not an efficient moderator of behavious as it brings a desire for ‘making it even’ in its wake. Connection is more efficient; to express ourselves honestly, yet maintaining respect for the other person (though not for their behaviour).
The default brain habit of assigning blame is not something to change by will-power; it’s ingrained in us as a result of how we use our brains. More feeds more. Thus, it takes support and self-discipline to open to the mystery of our right, relational brain, to allow the tides of our emotional life to reach us, and turn down the volume of the instrumental perception. From here, we can connect to other living beings.
The message the emotions bring is key
Emotions are dynamic and can change quickly, especially when acknowledged and understood. For example, you might feel lonely after being told off by your partner. You realize this feeling signals a deeper need for shared values or connection. From here, you can think about how to meet that need in ways beyond the immediate situation, such as reaching out to a friend who understands you.Turning towards our experiences, rather than away from them, is a fundamental principle of Needs-Based Coaching. As coaches grounded in NVC principles, we focus on being present with our own emotions and guiding our clients to connect with theirs. For instance, if a client says, "I planned a romantic evening, but my partner got upset because she wanted to watch a movie. I feel like I can never do anything right," a Needs-Based Coach might ask, "What happens in your body as you talk about this?" This allows the client to explore their emotions in the present moment rather than getting caught up in the blame game.
The client might come to recognize feelings of loss and loneliness and a need for tenderness and trust. As they own their emotions, they begin to separate their partner’s reaction from their own feelings. They may recall their partner had a tough day at work and needing some quiet time, leading to a deeper understanding rather than a conflict. The client might then choose to have an open conversation with their partner, finding a time that works for both of them to enjoy an evening together, restoring connection and resolving the conflict.
Module Zero will teach you how
NVC forms the foundation of our coaching program.To support students, who are new to NVC, we’re offering an introductory module, Module Zero. This live, virtual workshop will introduce you to the power of experience through NVC. This 3-day module will be held three times a year, with the first edition in December. Participants who later enroll in our Foundation Training will have the cost of Module Zero deducted from their tuition.
JOIN US to deepen your self-connection and connection with others.