By Pernille Plantener
For more than 20 years, I have relied on Nonviolent Communication as one of my most transformative approaches.
The hallmark of Nonviolent Communication
From 2002 until his retirement in 2011, I had the privilege of studying with Marshall Rosenberg, the originator of Nonviolent Communication. One of the practices he encouraged was guessing feelings and needs. If you've been to NVC workshops, you'll know. Has it become your favorite way of connecting- as it has for me?
For many NVC practitioners, this has become a hallmark of their understanding of empathy.
Awareness of feelings and needs addresses a profound portal to a different way of relating to other people. Every day, non-NVC-infused conversations so easily become discussions about who is right, who is wrong, whose intentions were good, and who should take responsibility. This us-and-them paradigm doesn’t really support a more wonderful world, as it keeps us in a static understanding of other people and leaves no room for change. Instead of the us-and-them perspective, awareness of feelings and needs, which is what we practice with NVC, offers a bridge across any divide between people. Any? Yes, I’d say, any. It helps us move from defending positions to reconnecting with what truly matters, even with those we disagree strongly with.
In my experience, NVC is brilliant for exactly these kinds of conversations. Friends chatting. Couples sorting stuff out. Expressing our position to someone we disagree with.
The shortcoming of NVC
But what happens when we are not in a mutual dialogue, but in a clear supporting role? Such as accompanying an employee, a client, a team member, a child, or someone who has come to us for help?
In those situations, I have found the classic NVC approach less straightforward. An employee may not enjoy having their manager guess their feelings. A client not steeped in NVC may experience repeated empathy guesses as inaccurate or even intrusive. And some people simply do not resonate with the language of feelings and needs.
Furthermore, you may have noticed that, for some people struggling with an issue, empathy is just not what brings about movement. They have received plenty of empathy, yet they remain in the same loop of thoughts, self-doubt, or inability to act on their challenge.
The person felt seen. The nervous system settled. They self-connected. What now? Did we fail as empathizers?
My journey from consultancy => empathy => coaching
I came from a position as a senior consultant for organic farmers. Before NVC, I told them what to do, such as reducing weeds using specific tilling methods or increasing their farm sales by hosting events. When I checked in again, they often hadn't done it.
Then I learned NVC and empathized with them. They enjoyed my understanding, and we moved closer. Still the same challenges, though: Fields overgrown with weeds, low sales, considering giving up the project.
This led me to explore professional coaching. I discovered coaching competencies that fit beautifully alongside NVC consciousness.
I'd ask the farmer, after having caught him in his overwhelm: "What is possible, then?" or "What was even more important for you than increasing your sales?"
I would ask open-ended questions, replace feelings-guesses with metaphors, support embodied awareness, and help people discover their own next steps rather than suggest them. The combination worked well. What happened next was a surprise to my superior; I quit my job and started as a professional coach. I wanted more of this and less filling out applications about EU-funding for the farmers. From 2013, I started teaching coaching. It is what I now call Needs-Based Coaching.
I don't see these approaches as alternatives to NVC, but as add-ons. I am still a proud CNVC-certified trainer, now in my 16th year.
NVC teaches us how to cultivate connection and understanding. Coaching offers additional ways of supporting awareness, choice, integration, and movement.
Personal reflection:
Have you ever supported someone toward self-connection, yet they didn't act on it outside of the empathic space? I'd love to hear what you've learned from those moments.
Are you up for a low-risk learning experience?
Check our calendar and find the next Beyond Empathic Listening workshop, 2×3 hours tailored for NVC practitioners and trainers.