You love as you have been loved
By Anna Banas, staff member and faculty of the Needs-Based Coaching Institute, and parenting consultant
Do you ever notice that you have a particular reaction to a way someone responds or behaves? Perhaps when your partner or friend has a "grouchy" way of responding, you start to worry if you've done something wrong? Or when your child needs you lots and lots, you experience them as "clingy"?
Some of these may be rooted in your attachment style - the way you were cared for as a child, which has become your "relational software".
"You love others the way you've been loved". This quote from Bruce Perry has been my entryway into an exploration quite often over the past years, especially since my children have come into the world. On the one hand, it makes a great deal of sense, and I keep coming back to this to understand myself better, my reactions to the people around me, and my children. On the other hand - isn't it infuriating, in some sense, that we walk around the world with an imprint that we didn't quite ask for?
As I explore this quote and the research around attachment theories, I have come to understand it slightly differently - yes, we love in the way we have been loved. But we also walk around the world, form relationships, engage with others, and are loved over the course of our lifetimes by multiple people in multiple different ways. Becoming aware of our attachment patterns and exploring them in safe ways and with safe people also allows us to change that imprint - and therefore both be loved and love in new ways.
What even is attachment?
John Bowlby, the father of early conceptions of attachment theory, argued that we enter the world pre-programmed to form bonds with others, which helps us survive. He suggested that attachment is a unique emotional bond between an infant and their caregiver/-s. Thus, the way we are cared for in these early years also programs us to love and care for others as we mature. It's like an invisible software that we use as we enter relationships. We might copy our mother, or protect ourselves from her over-caring attitude and bury our discomfort under rules of not feeling and expressing. Those attachment patterns (how we predict, respond, relate, form relationships) show up truly wherever we look:
in the way we respond to our children's behaviour and to their emotional expressions
in the way we choose our partners and friends
in the way we respond to our colleagues
in our inner dialogue when things stimulate us in some way
I recognized this as my children entered the world when I had particularly strong reactions when I didn't know what was going on for them - when they perhaps stopped looking at me, or disengaged, or were off into their own world. My mind started to worry, and I wondered what had happened. My inner voice offered, somewhat unhelpfully: What have I done wrong? and: What do I need to do to fix this?
My journey into these puzzling reactions led me to discover my own attachment style - at the time, definitely very on the "ambivalent" side. My relational software made me very worried when I imagined something not being quite ok, when someone acted in a way that I experienced as "distant". I was anxious about losing connection.
The four well-described styles of attachment (although this is a very vibrant field and more nuances and additions have been offered since Bowlby's first studies) are:
Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Trust.
Avoidant Attachment: Independence Over Vulnerability.
Ambivalent Attachment: Reassurance and Validation.
Disorganized Attachment: The world is dangerous.
(If you'd like to explore your own attachment style, have a look at this short quiz from Sarah Peyton; it is an excellent way of starting to become familiar with your own relational software).
What's NVC got to do with it?
While through an NVC lens the labels like "ambivalent", "avoidant" are recognized as precisely that - labels (and you may have also heard that NVC likes to leave labels on jars ;), I have found it infinitely helpful to have an understanding of why I react the way I do in relationships. It offered me a kind of gentleness and acceptance, especially when I responded in a way that was puzzling even to me.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) helped me become aware of the feelings that were arising in me and the needs that fueled the feelings. It also allowed me to empathise with others when they were doing whatever they were doing (and as you well know, children provide us countless opportunities to practice!), rather than guessing and worrying.
This raised awareness of my relational software, and the ability to offer myself and others empathy through NVC opened the door for me - I was ready for a software update. I experienced what Carl Rogers so beautifully captured when he wrote: "The curious paradox is that only when I accept myself as I am, then I can change."
If this has stirred something in you and you're willing to look that way - to get some insight and understanding about your reactions, to discover the "why" of those, and to offer yourself some healing (or an update to your "relational software") - so that you can care for your children how you really want to care for them, then come and join us from the 9th of September 2025 on the seven-week course, Roots and Wings, that I run together with Pernille Plantener, our founder.
We would love to have you there, so that we can shift the patterns in this world, one heart at a time. The world is in desperate need of healing. Let’s do our part together.
Bonus: As you move toward earned secure attachment, where your early emotional wounds are tended to so that they no longer govern you, your children (of all ages) and other close relationships will be positively impacted by your newfound grounding in yourself and trust that this world is a welcoming place for you. They get to feel this, too. Even if you never speak to them about it.
I hope to see you there!
P.S. This beautiful song by Mama Nous is a balm for those hearts that know that perhaps we may not have been loved how we would have liked. Make sure to allow sound.
