How We Really Make Decisions
And why emotions deserve a seat at the table
By Pernille Plantener
Most of us like to think we make decisions rationally. We compare options, weigh features, check the price, and consider consequences. Job done.
And yet, when I think about the last time I bought something as mundane as a hand mixer, this wasn’t the case. We’d talked about it at home; the quality, the effect we wished. I saw one in a shop and bought it, happy to bring it home. But my partner wasn’t happy. “Didn’t we agree it should be a better quality this time?”
I thought I’d bought the right thing, but in hindsight, it was obvious I chose ease. I was in the shop already, stressed with things on my to-do list, and chose from their options, not the most expensive, nor the cheapest. It was just not an electronics retailer. It was a grocery store, and there were only three options.
Think about your latest purchase. Why did this one and not that one “feel right?” Perhaps you trusted the seller? Perhaps the website felt calm and clear? Perhaps the person in the shop took time to listen rather than push? Perhaps someone you look up to has the same model? Or just the one by hand, in order to reduce complexity, as was my case?
The quiet role of emotion in everyday choices
This is not a flaw in human reasoning. It’s how we’re wired.
Long before we consciously compare specifications, our nervous system is already at work. It scans for safety, trust, familiarity, and coherence. Is this person reliable? Do I feel at ease? Am I being respected? Will I get through my day without letting anybody down?
These emotional signals are fast, wordless, and often invisible to us.
We might tell ourselves, “I chose this one because it was more robust.” But underneath, a simpler truth may be present: “I felt more at ease here.”
Emotion doesn’t replace reason. It precedes it. Not just when it comes to kitchen electronics.
Emotions point to needs – always
Every emotion we experience is linked to something that matters to us.
A need is either being met — or it isn’t.
Trust, or the lack of it
Clarity, or confusion
Ease, or pressure
Belonging, or isolation
When we recognize the need underneath an emotion, the emotion makes sense. It stops being “irrational” and starts being informative. As the Needs-Based Coaching perspective reminds us:
“Emotions are never the enemy, they’re our compass.”
A compass doesn’t tell us where to go. It tells us where we are.
Where freedom gets lost
The problem arises when we don’t notice this inner process. When we bypass emotions, they don’t disappear. They simply operate in the background. We then increasingly rely on habits, quick fixes, or external authority to decide for us.
Over time, this creates a subtle loss of agency:
saying yes when the body says no
choosing what others do while feeling misaligned
acting quickly just to escape discomfort
Under stress, this intensifies. Emotional signals get louder, and clarity gets harder to access. Many people describe this as feeling “caught” — as if choices shrink rather than expand. As if life sets an ultimatum.
It’s not that options are missing. It’s that access to inner orientation is.
Reclaiming choice begins with noticing
Freedom doesn’t come from suppressing emotions. It comes from recognizing them — early, curiously, without judgment.
When we pause and ask:
What am I feeling right now?
What might this feeling be signaling about my needs?
something shifts.
The nervous system settles. Choices widen again. We move from reaction to response. Or, in the words from our work on emotional intensity:
“Seen from the eye of the hurricane, emotions carry vital messages.”
This is true whether we are buying a hand mixer, having a difficult conversation, or making a life-changing decision.
From storm to orientation - without money stress
In moments of emotional intensity, many of us try to regain control by thinking harder. But clarity rarely comes from effort alone. It comes from learning how to stay present inside the emotional weather — without being swept away by it. When we learn to listen to emotions as signals of needs, rather than problems to fix, decisions stop being battles. They become acts of alignment.
This capacity can be learned and strengthened. It’s a practice, not a personality trait.
If this resonates, you might want to explore Caught in a Storm: Eight Secrets of Intense Emotions and How to Cope — an offering that supports navigating emotional intensity with steadiness, compassion, and choice. It begins on the 29th April and runs for four weeks, 90 minutes each time.
We’ve made the decision easier for you by offering you the opportunity to attend the first session for free - and then decide if you want to join the following three sessions.
Whether in everyday decisions or high-stakes moments, the needs-based path back to freedom begins with a simple shift: from asking “What should I do?” to asking “What is alive in me right now — and what does it call for?”