A grandmother moment
Pernille Plantener writes:
My heart broke wide open during a recent 4-day ski retreat with my grandson.
Before I became a mother, I had clear ideas of how I wanted my children to grow up. Feeling safe, eating homegrown vegetables, engaging in the daily chores to become socially included, and lots of love and attention.
But everyday life hit hard in my young family. I directed my attention to the dysfunctional relationship with their father and paid quite a bit of attention to my ambitions for self-sufficiency. And there was college and work to be tended, too.
My soul's dark night
I observed myself from the outside and saw my patience and perseverance with the children diminishing; I had little clue about how to tackle conflicts and challenges. Signs of poor well-being were evident in our stormy home. I blamed myself and their dad, and my self-esteem fell to a level where I bathed in shame while hardly keeping up appearances.
Their father and I split, and I began climbing out of my shame pit through the support of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). And it helped us all. I learned to respect the youngsters on their terms and gradually found my boundaries.
The broken relationship with their dad healed remarkably during our years of separate co-parenting. We revisited the hardships of the past and embarked on the long journey of reconciliation, and it paid off. The children have developed into responsible adults in stable relationships, with a good sense of humor - this is a huge sorurce of gratitude for me today.
Grandmother - my favorite title
Today I am a happy grandmother. I've noticed how much I've grown due to maturing emotionally and through Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and coaching. I can be myself while opening my heart widely to these wild, energetic, loving beings.
During the recent ski retreat, my 8-year-old became exhausted after struggling to steer those uncontrollable, sometimes ill-tempered boards under his feet, called skis. At bedtime, he hit his wall. He cried and couldn’t find peace within, and little did encouragement to feel his body and let go of the day help him.
I sat on his bedside and began singing. I made up a simple tune and sang the story of his day: the experiences we’d had together, the emotions that had flooded him at various moments in the hills in response to failing and falling, the tornness of wanting so greatly to master something, and the skis that just didn’t obey. It was tender as few moments before. He soon relaxed and fell asleep.
The next day, we were back on the slopes, and his practice paid off; soon, I couldn’t keep up with him, and he could turn and stop where he wanted. He was shining with pride.
And now comes my grandmother's moment: When he went to bed that night, far from drained as the day before, he asked me shyly: “Grandma, will you sing for me as you did yesterday?”
My heart broke right open in gratitude for him, for the merciful universe, for my teachers, and for my son, who invited me on this trip.
Of course, I would. I sang about the ski lift, the sensation of the snow, icy and soft at various patches, the view from the top, the thrill of speedy downhill skiing, the damp lounge where we had the sandwich, the chess game he won over me back in the cabin, and the deep love I have for him.
Even now as I write this, tears spring in tenderness.
And I know I’m not the only one. Children sprinkle joy and laughter into our lives.
But everyday life and limits to our capacity can make it hard to get everything to run smoothly. That’s why my colleague Anna Banás and I have developed a 10-week program on wise and warm-hearted child rearing and -teaching:
Kids at Heart – a coaching toolkit for parents, teachers, and others who care.
Overthe course of the weekly 2-hour meetings, participants will learn the approaches of Nonviolent Communication and Needs-Based Coaching applied to children, complemented by neuroscience and child development theory, along with extensive practice, anecdotes, and opportunities for reflectionr.
The full program begins on the 24th of April and runs from 9-11 am CET. Find your timing here.
What has been a sweet moment you’ve had with a child?
These moments deserve being remembered and cherished. I believe the child will get to feel it and be affected by our holding it tenderly.
In reverence for the life and energy our small ones bring, Pernille Plantener